I recently discovered that I've aged

I recently discovered that I've aged. I've aged in years, that's a fact. But, for the first time, I felt that I aged biologically, even though despite having both age and health on my side, I still look in the mirror and see a 30-year-old woman.

Serge Diakonoff, 1980’s.

I realized I've aged through the eyes of others. I mean, younger others. The 18-20-year-old crowd looks at me and sees their mother, commenting on things as if I have no clue what they're talking about. And when I mention something from "my time," they don't understand. I discovered I've aged when I see actors, singers, filmmakers, writers, and artists I admire who are my age or older. I don't know much about the new ones, those 20 years old and younger. I discovered I've aged when that energy I still have, and believe me, it's a lot, seems to falter at the end of the day or when I watch TV late and doze off, even though I insist on defying the heavy sleep that arrives. The same when I discovered that I can't eat and lie down anymore without getting acid reflux. Having a little extra to drink also gives me reflux. Anything does.

I discovered I've aged after completing a year and a half of breast cancer treatment and entering menopause as a result. The oncologist said this could happen. I don't remember, or maybe I didn't want to pay attention. When I stopped bleeding in the first month, I discovered I've aged. I also discovered I've aged when faced with this terrifying disease, I felt the finiteness of life up close and with it, the non-completion of thousands of projects, thousands of ideas left unexecuted, and practical things like retirement, a secure future, who will take care of mom, will I always be in another country, not having children, how much longer do I have to work. All these "future" actions I kept pushing aside because I thought I was so far from old age. Silly. Foolish.

I discovered I've aged seeing my friends aging too, complaining about the youngsters, with nostalgia for this or that decade. I discovered I've aged, but I've only discovered, I haven't accepted it, or better yet, it hasn't sunk in yet. Whether this is good or bad, time will tell. Certainly, the lack of future planning is a mistake. But I'm learning, taking blow after blow. One good thing about discovering that I'm aging is not waiting anymore. Not waiting anymore to grow old. Discovering every day that I'm living.

Hi, I am a writer!

Hi, my name is Rita Avellar, and I am a writer. (Sigh) I have to say, this is such a short sentence but full of strong meaning for me, and extremely hard to say out loud. The reason is, when I say 'I am a writer,' imposter syndrome comes slapping me, saying, 'How come if you don't have a book published?' 'How come if you don't have a project like a film, TV series, or whatever media out there with your name on it!' Well, I've been dealing with this inner voice for a while, and I am more than ready to say, baby, that's enough!

Yes, I don't have a book published. Yet. I don't have a film or TV series with my name as the main writer on it. Yet. However, like I say every time I want to 'explain' my passion for writing and telling stories, since I learned how to write and read, I've been creating stories and sharing my thoughts.

It literally started when I was 7 years old. I wrote books and short stories - one even almost turned into an animated short film when I was about 10. I joined a writer's club in which I had the opportunity to improve my writing. Later, as a teenager, I helped write plays and wrote a couple of poems and different diaries. These ones were absolutely secret writing, but for sure helped put the words out of my chest and avoided some psychosomatic diseases, like sore throats. As an adult, the blog world caught me, and for years I had a blog in which I would share my thoughts (it was in Portuguese) about life, and I even had some fans along the way. At the same time, I also wrote for several newspapers and magazines about fashion - trends but also human behavior linked to fashion, a subject that I loved due to my major in Fashion Design. I ended up opening a content marketing agency back in 2009, in which I and my team used to - guess what? - write content for blogs and social media. This was even before Instagram existed. Like Jurassic Park of social media. During the same period, I started writing a book about the saga of a family in Rio de Janeiro and its implication with the 'jogo do bicho,' Rio's type of mafia. It was when in 2013 I went to San Diego to study Creative Writing at the UCSD summer course. My final project, a short story, was selected as one of the best ones among 20 students, and I was the only foreigner (this short story was the one I am turning into a short film). After this, the instructor invited us to be part of a club for writers in which we would meet once a week to share our writing projects. I translated to English my so-called book project and shared it with them. They loved it! Back in Brazil, I studied screenwriting for one year and entered another Universe, and I was completely hooked. This was in 2014.

First reading of my upcoming short film, The Fat Lady

Well, 10 years have passed, and the imposter syndrome was trying to attack me again. During these last 10 years, I rehashed some comebacks to writing, which I did here and there, but I sabotaged myself a lot, in partnership with this syndrome guy. Why? This is one of the main topics of my therapy sessions. It freaks me out tons of stories I wrote have appeared in books, TV series, and films. No, nobody copied me, of course. As one teacher I had during the Fashion Design college mentioned, ideas are flowing in the air, whoever has the antenna to capture them will catch them first. I had these antennas, I still have them, just need to activate them again. But more than activating them is to say it out: I am a writer, yes, I am

Have you ever been a translator for a Krishna-core band? I have!

The other day, I received an email from Hotmail (yes, I still have a Hotmail account that will turn 30 years old in 1995), containing some photos from years ago. One of them shows me at a kart racing club in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, closing the tour of the American Punk-Rock band, or more precisely, Krishna-Core, with Hinduism-related oriental influences.

The Shelter band first visited Brazil in 1997 on a tour lasting about 15 days, covering cities such as Salvador, Rio de Janeiro, Porto Alegre, Curitiba, Sao Paulo, Santos, and Belo Horizonte. At the age of 19, I was the band's official translator, thanks to an invitation from dear Cacá Prates, a friend of my dad's with many rock and roll road stories to share.

According to my sister Mariana, I am a bit like Forrest Gump. I've had so many interesting and crazy experiences in my life, but I think this one ranks in the top 5 of the "Best Moments of My Life" parade. Not only because I traveled around Brazil on a tour when the band exploded on MTV, but also because of the spiritual and literally transcendental experience I had at the band's first press conference in Rio, held at a Hindu temple in the heart of Rio's largest city forest. This experience was a mixture of joy and gratitude that I had never witnessed before. After dancing to the Hare Krishna rhythm, I felt as if I had left my body and floated through the hall as if I had three days to sing and dance. Upon returning to my physical body, I found myself in tears along with my dad and the temple manager. No, there were no drinks or drugs involved. It was pure ecstasy and the power of music itself.

That was just the first day of this incredible experience, filled with other moments on the rock and roll road – in this case, in airplanes. João Gordo (the lead singer of a well-known punk rock band in Brazil) laughed at me because the Shelter's singer asked me to translate a speech against violence during the concert in Santos, resulting in me receiving a spit from an outraged fan. We visited Hare Krishna temples in each city and sampled their delicious food. I formed a dear friendship with the bass player, who loved listening to cassette tapes of Brazilian rock bands he received from his fans and who was just as afraid of planes as I was. I almost missed the bus with the band once because the security guard mistook me for a fan. I shared many laughs with dear Silvia (RIP). I enjoyed having hotel rooms all to myself. And yes, I even had some quarrels with the lead singer (yes, the guy above, with whom we took this picture after one of those quarrels).

Thank you, my old friend, Hotmail, for reminding me. Thank you, life, for these moments. Another one checked off the list, and another Forrest Gumpian story to tell.