I recently discovered that I've aged. I've aged in years, that's a fact. But, for the first time, I felt that I aged biologically, even though despite having both age and health on my side, I still look in the mirror and see a 30-year-old woman.
I realized I've aged through the eyes of others. I mean, younger others. The 18-20-year-old crowd looks at me and sees their mother, commenting on things as if I have no clue what they're talking about. And when I mention something from "my time," they don't understand. I discovered I've aged when I see actors, singers, filmmakers, writers, and artists I admire who are my age or older. I don't know much about the new ones, those 20 years old and younger. I discovered I've aged when that energy I still have, and believe me, it's a lot, seems to falter at the end of the day or when I watch TV late and doze off, even though I insist on defying the heavy sleep that arrives. The same when I discovered that I can't eat and lie down anymore without getting acid reflux. Having a little extra to drink also gives me reflux. Anything does.
I discovered I've aged after completing a year and a half of breast cancer treatment and entering menopause as a result. The oncologist said this could happen. I don't remember, or maybe I didn't want to pay attention. When I stopped bleeding in the first month, I discovered I've aged. I also discovered I've aged when faced with this terrifying disease, I felt the finiteness of life up close and with it, the non-completion of thousands of projects, thousands of ideas left unexecuted, and practical things like retirement, a secure future, who will take care of mom, will I always be in another country, not having children, how much longer do I have to work. All these "future" actions I kept pushing aside because I thought I was so far from old age. Silly. Foolish.
I discovered I've aged seeing my friends aging too, complaining about the youngsters, with nostalgia for this or that decade. I discovered I've aged, but I've only discovered, I haven't accepted it, or better yet, it hasn't sunk in yet. Whether this is good or bad, time will tell. Certainly, the lack of future planning is a mistake. But I'm learning, taking blow after blow. One good thing about discovering that I'm aging is not waiting anymore. Not waiting anymore to grow old. Discovering every day that I'm living.